Sunday, 10 April 2011

Delight




Depression that has been my true friend for over two years, never deserting me, always by my side, has shown signs of fading away. That feels strange. It feels good.
I haven’t felt pleasure for ages. I’ve done things, but that doing hasn’t made happy, there’s been no joy in completing a short story, finishing a painiting.

Yesterday I felt joy. I was happy. No anxiety, no panic. No wanting to escape away from the crowd that surrounded me. No hyperventilation behind the corner.

I had a sales table in a bazar where I sold my handicraft and paintings. Did I sell much? It’s not the point, the main thing is that I survived the fours hours I sat and stood behind my table. I smiled to the customers, I talked with them. And all the time I felt happiness for my ability to be among so many people.
Pride. That’s what I felt.

What happens tomorrow? Shall I turn again into a hermit? Will my heart pound in anxiety, is it hard to breathe? I don’t care. I won’t think about it. There’s no sense in worrying, which is what I’ve leraned during these two and some years. What comes, it comes.

I’m happy now.



12 comments:

Mick said...

Right now is all that we have for living. Have you ever watched a dog when fully engaged in the moment? As the old Zen saying goes, ask a dog what time it is and he'll say, "Now. Right now! It's Now!"

SusuPetal said...

Now, Mick!

hpy said...

Kun menee hyvin pitaa elaa nykyisessa, kunmenee huonosti pitaisi elaa jossain muualla, mutta se ei taida olla maailman helpoin asia!
Hyva etta menee hyvin, vaikka hetki olisikin lyhyt - mutta voihan se pidentyakin. Toivotaan.

SusuPetal said...

Minäkin toivon, että tätä oloa kestäisi edes hieman aikaa, Hélène.

Peter said...

Good news!

SusuPetal said...

Peter, it is, although I've been down and low for some days now, but now I know that there is hope.

Anne Marie said...

It is true, there is no sense in worrying. What we cannot control, we cannot control. I have found it most useful to try to stay focused on the things I can control and keep at it. :) There is definitely hope. Change always comes. It does.

SusuPetal said...

Anne Marie, I'm trying to learn not worrying, I've made success in these years, but still there's a lot to learn.

Trotter said...

Hi Susu! Finally some time to stop by... And I'm HAPPY to know you're happy!! Enjoy a superb weekend!!

SusuPetal said...

It's May Day weekend, Gil, let's party!

Ellen said...

You live you learn Susu. People who don´t suffer from depression cannot understand why a person cannot handle those feelings. And most people don´t even notice how down you are, because we still breath, smile, do things. Nobody see the emptyness inside our souls ... but we suffer, a lot.
And living the moment is one good way to deal with it, one day at a time. You enjoyed yesterday, maybe today you don´t feel well, but you know that there is a tomorrow when you will enjoy again. Baby steps.

SusuPetal said...

I live, I learn, and I try to remember, Ellen :)